I met a girl yesterday, and right off I thought to myself...wow, what a wreck. A train wreck. She is a bomb fixing to explode. Red Flag! Red Flag!

now, lets back up a moment.

I am in a job...a very very small tiny job, that I am absolutely one hundred percent sure that God placed me there. For a reason. I don't know the reason...sometimes I suspect the reason is to help a lost employee or two, but really...I just don't know. But, I am determined to let the Lord use me as He wills, if He wills...and hopefully, I won't get in His way. However, I am a judgemental fellow, and I like to see results...I like validation and I like to be in control. So sometimes I tend to override what I should be experiancing.

Okay, back to the Train Wreck. She cryed within 10 minutes of me meeting her for the first time. She is in her mid twenties and never lived outside of her mothers house. She has had two fathers who have both left her. She likes older men. She just got out of a two year relationship with an older man who can't have any more children...and she is devestated. She is in counseling. She is completely at square one....with no idea where square two is or how to get there. She can't see past where she is.

She is me. She is someone LIKE me. I didn't have those attributes after my name...but I had others that were equally distructive. I was so lost. I've been reflecting on this all morning. Its amazing to me where I was 10 years ago, and where I am now today. I can't say I am in a wonderful amazing place where I am swelled with love and appreciation. I can't say I am at 100%. I can't even say how I got to where I am or where I am going. I just know that I am not at the bottom, where I feel like I was in my early twenties. I am so thankful the Lord entered my life. I am so thankful that at some point I was able to seek Him. To make Him my Father, my Leader. I am a failure at this, I assure you. I have not been successful at being the daughter I should be...but I am so loved...and so protected. Of this I am sure. And I am also sure that I don't deserve a drop of it.

Which reminds me of this girl. This pretty little blonde girl, who has a tough exterior and doesn't want to slow down to listen. A girl who thinks marrying an older man will soothe the aches she has. A girl trying to make her own path, solve her own problems and to make her own comfy life.

Aren't we all guilty of this?

Mine isn't the man anymore. Its my relationships with my family. My head is always going in circles trying to figure out my perfect balm ingrediants. Even knowing what I know about the Lord, my Father....the only One who leads my life in a perfect way. I still try. I still am trying to fix my own problems and make it perfect.

I am delighted that my eyes are open to Father. That sometimes I can clearly see His plan uncovered, that I can soak up that love from Him. I am not perfect. I wish I was. I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, perfect daughter and sister, and perfect friend. But I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. I need to remember it is about Him. And though I wish for one kind of life...that doesn't mean it is right or the way I am meant to go. And, that there IS a perfect plan unfolding...I just don't have any say in it. Like the pretty blonde, my way is MY way. There is no true and lasting happiness in it. My Father has me wrapped in a warm blanket....as does she. She just hasn't stopped to feel the warmth of it yet.

my prayer: Lord, I know that you have me here for a reason. I know that you are working in me to make me a stronger voice through you. I want to accept that and to have an open heart to let you do your work. I am often tempted to behave in unchristian ways. I know this is wrong and makes you sad...but I know that you can see my heart, and you know that my intentions are true. Use me. Continue to be with me. Let your light shine out to otheres. Let me be a good influence in other peoples lives. Show me how. Continue to guide me as I read the Bible and let those words be a guide to me. Let them work their way into my heart and be ingraved there. I want you in my life. I want you to be the center of my life. Let my ears and heart be open to you. I will be your loving daughter. Amen