I sometimes have issues with my prayer life. The first problem I have is just sitting still and keeping my thoughts in the right direction. The minute I try to do an honest to goodness prayer, my mind starts twitching this way and that and I tend to lose focus rather quickly. The second issue I face is that I feel the Lord already knows my needs, and me reiterating it to Him seems redundant at times. I have the idea that He knows what I want, He will lead me as He sees fit, and me asking for a different outcome is just a waste of my breath. Especially if I am on board with whatever He sees fit for me. So, as you can see....I have built a wall around any productive, spiritual prayer life. Don't get me wrong....I seem to be in a constant conversation with Jesus. I feel like my casual prayer and constant communication with my Savior has helped me form an intimate relationship with Him that otherwise would have been more on the plains of Him up there and me down here. Instead, I almost always am aware of My Lord, Jesus, right with me....and I am very grateful for that. As with all people though, there are some issues that I want to lay at the hands of God and to do it in a respectful and asking nature. I know that prayer is something God asks of us, and it is something I am going to continue to work on.
That being said. There are very distinct prayers that I remember....vividly. They are so few, but they have been so powerful. And I had another yesterday. My mind has been working overtime lately. I have been desperately searching for an answer to a family issue from My Lord and, honestly, from myself. Desperately trying to ask for something I was not sure I was at liberty to ask for. I couldn't ever seem to get the prayer out. For a long time, it just hasn't been in me to give my prayer to God. Yesterday, I did. I prayed fervently about what I long for and what I want. I felt, once again, close to God and was able to form my thoughts for Him. Able to form my thoughts just for Him. Isn't that want prayer is supposed to be? The guilt that I usually feel about pushing my wants toward Him, was replaced with wisdom. I was wise, if only for that moment, to know that I could ask for this, knowing He will answer, and still plead for His will to be done. Sometimes I forget, that the main part of praying is KNOWING with all your heart He will answer it accordingly. If I pray for something and automatically doubt His activeness, it is abused. It is in faith we speak with the Lord. Through faith I know He loves me and will do what is best for my soul. And in this vein, I continue to pray.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My Story
This past week our pastor presented the importance of sharing your story with others. The story of how you came into your relationship with Christ. He emphasized the fact that storytelling has lost its luster in our day and age, and the act of sending your story on to the next generation is getting lost. The main form of teaching, through Christ, was used through storytelling. Its our human nature to learn in that way. I am usually very tight lipped about my story...mainly because I feel mine is still forming. Mine doesn't have a full beginning, full middle and full end. But, if you can bare with my lopsided story...I will be happy to tell it.....
I grew up in a Lutheran family. My whole mother's side of the family was Lutheran. Strong Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday and attended Sunday School in the morning and big people's church afterwards. It was a small country church, everyone new each other and there were maybe 50 in attendance on a good day. I was baptized as a baby, and I went through confirmation as a teenager. I finally got to take communion in my lower teens. I didn't learn much of anything. And that pretty much set the stage for my twenties.
I was a bit of a handful for my parents. I sought out anything that would make me feel free and alive. I enjoyed making a statement, and I had severe self image issues. My bookcase was filled with self help books on how to find my soul. I suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to find hobbies that would fill a void, and then I would be heartbroken that I wasn't talented for any hobbies. I felt like a depressed drifter. Lost. Hopeless. I couldn't really imagine a whole entire life if it was like that. What was the point...and how depressing anyway. I felt I believed in God, but I really didn't know who the heck Jesus was and why he was so important. I tried my best not to go to church.
Life was going right along. Me barely hanging in there without the huge support of a few of my very close friends. They were what I depended on....them and alcohol. Then, my best friend got diagnosed with cancer. He was my crutch. I loved him dearly. He saved me from everything. He was dying.
I didn't know how to talk about God. I didn't feel like I could talk to people when I went to church (the few times I did) about anything religious. I had never read the bible. I didn't even know most of the famed bible stories that I felt most christian children learned growing up. I didn't even feel like I could say I believed in God, because there was nothing supporting that statement on my end. But I did. In my own way I did. My belief just wasn't nurtured yet. Blind faith is what I call it. And it made me feel stupid.
I went to a college campus ministry one night. It was a big nondenominational church, new and upcoming in the city, and it was having a praise night. There were strobe lights and singing....I was so far out of my comfort zone it wasn't even funny. The pastor was saying a prayer and in my head I was yelling, "WHY AM I HERE....WHY!". And at that moment the pastor looked up and said, I know some of you are asking why are you here, and then he went on to say that God wants to be in our hearts...He wants us to come and be a part of a church, and to love us fully. My world was touched so deeply right then at that moment. I felt like God had heard me and answered me. That I wasn't alone, and he was RIGHT THERE. I was amazed. I've had three instances where I have been in a church and I have had such a vivid and strong concern or question and the issue was touched upon by the pastor. I don't feel like they were common general questions that could have been answered for anyone. I felt the Lord. I felt like that was the guiding of the Spirit. I am sure that God was with me and wanting me. That was the beginning....
My friend died. My mother was diagnosed with a hereditary disease that will lead to death, and I got married....all in the same 4 month period. I had alot of stress and still no substantial relationship with the Lord. After about a year and a half we found out we were going to have Madi...and I was scared to death. I didn't know much about babies and didn't really care for them. I knew though, we were going to have to find a church, because my child was going to have to be brought up in one. Like me and my husband. We tried a few baptist churches, but they always came attached with the regulation of baptism. We love you, we feel like you could really become a great member of our church....but not until you get baptised in front of the whole congregation. And no....you can't volunteer here unless you make that decision for us...the Baptists. There were lots of arguments and tears from my end. I just couldn't break into this religious thing. I, again, felt stupid. And, now, mad. Eventually, we found the church we are in now, and things began to change.
And in the past few years, something has happened. I feel the Spirit. I feel Jesus. I thank God that I had a good friend who asked me about my relationship with Jesus. I trusted her and honestly said I didn't know who He was and what His point was. It made me start looking and searching that out. I thank God that He put my husband in my life. He is so knowledgeable about The Bible, and when I have questions he can help me understand. In those early days I was able to talk to him about the things that made me feel stupid. And thank the Lord that he gave Bryce patience and an open heart. I was never looked down upon by him, and he would stay up late with me if I needed to talk about WHY Jesus dying on the cross is so important. I met people who are genuinely kind and gracious. Forgiving. Who seem to genuinely care for me and my life. The Lord put upon my heart that a blind faith, although good, is like a plant growing on the rocks if I don't get a good root system. My root system is the bible and I am passionate about it. I want to learn from Jesus what I should do. I am learning that I can't depend on myself to find my happiness, I have to give it up to God.
But this is just the middle. I have so much more to learn. I have come far....but I have so much farther and deeper to go. That makes me so happy and excited. I can't wait until I at peace with my Father. Life is exciting when you know that you are trying for your Father and that He is smiling at you with fondness.
PRAYER: Dear Father, I get so excited to think about my story. About where I have been and where you have brought me. I know the best way is for me to let go and let you carry me. I am so thankful for the people you have put in my life to help me better understand you and Jesus. Thank you for Bryce and Amanda. Thank you for Ashley and the comfort that comes from her christian faith as well. Thank you for Linda and Jolene for there genuine graciousness. I pray for you to keep my heart and mind open to you and continue to give me wisdom. Give me peace, and let me be a good teacher to Madi. And let my story help someone else. Let them see my words and see that other imperfect people are out there and they can still feel Gods grace. They can still be valuable to the church and to other people. Give them peace. Amen.
I grew up in a Lutheran family. My whole mother's side of the family was Lutheran. Strong Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday and attended Sunday School in the morning and big people's church afterwards. It was a small country church, everyone new each other and there were maybe 50 in attendance on a good day. I was baptized as a baby, and I went through confirmation as a teenager. I finally got to take communion in my lower teens. I didn't learn much of anything. And that pretty much set the stage for my twenties.
I was a bit of a handful for my parents. I sought out anything that would make me feel free and alive. I enjoyed making a statement, and I had severe self image issues. My bookcase was filled with self help books on how to find my soul. I suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to find hobbies that would fill a void, and then I would be heartbroken that I wasn't talented for any hobbies. I felt like a depressed drifter. Lost. Hopeless. I couldn't really imagine a whole entire life if it was like that. What was the point...and how depressing anyway. I felt I believed in God, but I really didn't know who the heck Jesus was and why he was so important. I tried my best not to go to church.
Life was going right along. Me barely hanging in there without the huge support of a few of my very close friends. They were what I depended on....them and alcohol. Then, my best friend got diagnosed with cancer. He was my crutch. I loved him dearly. He saved me from everything. He was dying.
I didn't know how to talk about God. I didn't feel like I could talk to people when I went to church (the few times I did) about anything religious. I had never read the bible. I didn't even know most of the famed bible stories that I felt most christian children learned growing up. I didn't even feel like I could say I believed in God, because there was nothing supporting that statement on my end. But I did. In my own way I did. My belief just wasn't nurtured yet. Blind faith is what I call it. And it made me feel stupid.
I went to a college campus ministry one night. It was a big nondenominational church, new and upcoming in the city, and it was having a praise night. There were strobe lights and singing....I was so far out of my comfort zone it wasn't even funny. The pastor was saying a prayer and in my head I was yelling, "WHY AM I HERE....WHY!". And at that moment the pastor looked up and said, I know some of you are asking why are you here, and then he went on to say that God wants to be in our hearts...He wants us to come and be a part of a church, and to love us fully. My world was touched so deeply right then at that moment. I felt like God had heard me and answered me. That I wasn't alone, and he was RIGHT THERE. I was amazed. I've had three instances where I have been in a church and I have had such a vivid and strong concern or question and the issue was touched upon by the pastor. I don't feel like they were common general questions that could have been answered for anyone. I felt the Lord. I felt like that was the guiding of the Spirit. I am sure that God was with me and wanting me. That was the beginning....
My friend died. My mother was diagnosed with a hereditary disease that will lead to death, and I got married....all in the same 4 month period. I had alot of stress and still no substantial relationship with the Lord. After about a year and a half we found out we were going to have Madi...and I was scared to death. I didn't know much about babies and didn't really care for them. I knew though, we were going to have to find a church, because my child was going to have to be brought up in one. Like me and my husband. We tried a few baptist churches, but they always came attached with the regulation of baptism. We love you, we feel like you could really become a great member of our church....but not until you get baptised in front of the whole congregation. And no....you can't volunteer here unless you make that decision for us...the Baptists. There were lots of arguments and tears from my end. I just couldn't break into this religious thing. I, again, felt stupid. And, now, mad. Eventually, we found the church we are in now, and things began to change.
And in the past few years, something has happened. I feel the Spirit. I feel Jesus. I thank God that I had a good friend who asked me about my relationship with Jesus. I trusted her and honestly said I didn't know who He was and what His point was. It made me start looking and searching that out. I thank God that He put my husband in my life. He is so knowledgeable about The Bible, and when I have questions he can help me understand. In those early days I was able to talk to him about the things that made me feel stupid. And thank the Lord that he gave Bryce patience and an open heart. I was never looked down upon by him, and he would stay up late with me if I needed to talk about WHY Jesus dying on the cross is so important. I met people who are genuinely kind and gracious. Forgiving. Who seem to genuinely care for me and my life. The Lord put upon my heart that a blind faith, although good, is like a plant growing on the rocks if I don't get a good root system. My root system is the bible and I am passionate about it. I want to learn from Jesus what I should do. I am learning that I can't depend on myself to find my happiness, I have to give it up to God.
But this is just the middle. I have so much more to learn. I have come far....but I have so much farther and deeper to go. That makes me so happy and excited. I can't wait until I at peace with my Father. Life is exciting when you know that you are trying for your Father and that He is smiling at you with fondness.
PRAYER: Dear Father, I get so excited to think about my story. About where I have been and where you have brought me. I know the best way is for me to let go and let you carry me. I am so thankful for the people you have put in my life to help me better understand you and Jesus. Thank you for Bryce and Amanda. Thank you for Ashley and the comfort that comes from her christian faith as well. Thank you for Linda and Jolene for there genuine graciousness. I pray for you to keep my heart and mind open to you and continue to give me wisdom. Give me peace, and let me be a good teacher to Madi. And let my story help someone else. Let them see my words and see that other imperfect people are out there and they can still feel Gods grace. They can still be valuable to the church and to other people. Give them peace. Amen.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I met a girl yesterday, and right off I thought to myself...wow, what a wreck. A train wreck. She is a bomb fixing to explode. Red Flag! Red Flag!
now, lets back up a moment.
I am in a job...a very very small tiny job, that I am absolutely one hundred percent sure that God placed me there. For a reason. I don't know the reason...sometimes I suspect the reason is to help a lost employee or two, but really...I just don't know. But, I am determined to let the Lord use me as He wills, if He wills...and hopefully, I won't get in His way. However, I am a judgemental fellow, and I like to see results...I like validation and I like to be in control. So sometimes I tend to override what I should be experiancing.
Okay, back to the Train Wreck. She cryed within 10 minutes of me meeting her for the first time. She is in her mid twenties and never lived outside of her mothers house. She has had two fathers who have both left her. She likes older men. She just got out of a two year relationship with an older man who can't have any more children...and she is devestated. She is in counseling. She is completely at square one....with no idea where square two is or how to get there. She can't see past where she is.
She is me. She is someone LIKE me. I didn't have those attributes after my name...but I had others that were equally distructive. I was so lost. I've been reflecting on this all morning. Its amazing to me where I was 10 years ago, and where I am now today. I can't say I am in a wonderful amazing place where I am swelled with love and appreciation. I can't say I am at 100%. I can't even say how I got to where I am or where I am going. I just know that I am not at the bottom, where I feel like I was in my early twenties. I am so thankful the Lord entered my life. I am so thankful that at some point I was able to seek Him. To make Him my Father, my Leader. I am a failure at this, I assure you. I have not been successful at being the daughter I should be...but I am so loved...and so protected. Of this I am sure. And I am also sure that I don't deserve a drop of it.
Which reminds me of this girl. This pretty little blonde girl, who has a tough exterior and doesn't want to slow down to listen. A girl who thinks marrying an older man will soothe the aches she has. A girl trying to make her own path, solve her own problems and to make her own comfy life.
Aren't we all guilty of this?
Mine isn't the man anymore. Its my relationships with my family. My head is always going in circles trying to figure out my perfect balm ingrediants. Even knowing what I know about the Lord, my Father....the only One who leads my life in a perfect way. I still try. I still am trying to fix my own problems and make it perfect.
I am delighted that my eyes are open to Father. That sometimes I can clearly see His plan uncovered, that I can soak up that love from Him. I am not perfect. I wish I was. I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, perfect daughter and sister, and perfect friend. But I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. I need to remember it is about Him. And though I wish for one kind of life...that doesn't mean it is right or the way I am meant to go. And, that there IS a perfect plan unfolding...I just don't have any say in it. Like the pretty blonde, my way is MY way. There is no true and lasting happiness in it. My Father has me wrapped in a warm blanket....as does she. She just hasn't stopped to feel the warmth of it yet.
my prayer: Lord, I know that you have me here for a reason. I know that you are working in me to make me a stronger voice through you. I want to accept that and to have an open heart to let you do your work. I am often tempted to behave in unchristian ways. I know this is wrong and makes you sad...but I know that you can see my heart, and you know that my intentions are true. Use me. Continue to be with me. Let your light shine out to otheres. Let me be a good influence in other peoples lives. Show me how. Continue to guide me as I read the Bible and let those words be a guide to me. Let them work their way into my heart and be ingraved there. I want you in my life. I want you to be the center of my life. Let my ears and heart be open to you. I will be your loving daughter. Amen
now, lets back up a moment.
I am in a job...a very very small tiny job, that I am absolutely one hundred percent sure that God placed me there. For a reason. I don't know the reason...sometimes I suspect the reason is to help a lost employee or two, but really...I just don't know. But, I am determined to let the Lord use me as He wills, if He wills...and hopefully, I won't get in His way. However, I am a judgemental fellow, and I like to see results...I like validation and I like to be in control. So sometimes I tend to override what I should be experiancing.
Okay, back to the Train Wreck. She cryed within 10 minutes of me meeting her for the first time. She is in her mid twenties and never lived outside of her mothers house. She has had two fathers who have both left her. She likes older men. She just got out of a two year relationship with an older man who can't have any more children...and she is devestated. She is in counseling. She is completely at square one....with no idea where square two is or how to get there. She can't see past where she is.
She is me. She is someone LIKE me. I didn't have those attributes after my name...but I had others that were equally distructive. I was so lost. I've been reflecting on this all morning. Its amazing to me where I was 10 years ago, and where I am now today. I can't say I am in a wonderful amazing place where I am swelled with love and appreciation. I can't say I am at 100%. I can't even say how I got to where I am or where I am going. I just know that I am not at the bottom, where I feel like I was in my early twenties. I am so thankful the Lord entered my life. I am so thankful that at some point I was able to seek Him. To make Him my Father, my Leader. I am a failure at this, I assure you. I have not been successful at being the daughter I should be...but I am so loved...and so protected. Of this I am sure. And I am also sure that I don't deserve a drop of it.
Which reminds me of this girl. This pretty little blonde girl, who has a tough exterior and doesn't want to slow down to listen. A girl who thinks marrying an older man will soothe the aches she has. A girl trying to make her own path, solve her own problems and to make her own comfy life.
Aren't we all guilty of this?
Mine isn't the man anymore. Its my relationships with my family. My head is always going in circles trying to figure out my perfect balm ingrediants. Even knowing what I know about the Lord, my Father....the only One who leads my life in a perfect way. I still try. I still am trying to fix my own problems and make it perfect.
I am delighted that my eyes are open to Father. That sometimes I can clearly see His plan uncovered, that I can soak up that love from Him. I am not perfect. I wish I was. I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, perfect daughter and sister, and perfect friend. But I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. I need to remember it is about Him. And though I wish for one kind of life...that doesn't mean it is right or the way I am meant to go. And, that there IS a perfect plan unfolding...I just don't have any say in it. Like the pretty blonde, my way is MY way. There is no true and lasting happiness in it. My Father has me wrapped in a warm blanket....as does she. She just hasn't stopped to feel the warmth of it yet.
my prayer: Lord, I know that you have me here for a reason. I know that you are working in me to make me a stronger voice through you. I want to accept that and to have an open heart to let you do your work. I am often tempted to behave in unchristian ways. I know this is wrong and makes you sad...but I know that you can see my heart, and you know that my intentions are true. Use me. Continue to be with me. Let your light shine out to otheres. Let me be a good influence in other peoples lives. Show me how. Continue to guide me as I read the Bible and let those words be a guide to me. Let them work their way into my heart and be ingraved there. I want you in my life. I want you to be the center of my life. Let my ears and heart be open to you. I will be your loving daughter. Amen
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